I've been wanting to write and not wanting to write lately. I had a thought about something I really wanted to write about recently, like really wanted to say, and poof! Pissadeared. No clue what I wanted to say.
There is this, which I didn't write but probably could have and probably have written things similar.
The sermon on Sunday was convicting to me; maybe that's what I wanted to write about? I don't think so. But I'll write about it now because I'm thinking about it. The sermon was about the philosophy of people changing. The general consensus is that people do not change in any fundamental way; we are born a certain way and we do what we can with what we have. Maybe we were born a little ill-tempered, but we do our best to manage it. The Biblical view is that people can in fact change at a fundamental level. The speaker referenced Titus 2 and poked around a bit in other places. He focused on verses 11-13, saying that the basis and foundation for change is not anything we do, but something God does.
This was convicting to me because, while I am highly sensitive to the fact that depression is a medical condition and accept that God does not choose to heal everyone fully during their time on earth, I tend to just accept that I feel below-par at life. Rather than pray for more energy or motivation, I grit my teeth and try to find some strength or wisdom in myself to get by. I don't ask for God's help with my illness. I certainly do not ever ask Him to take it away. I think, "This is me." And regardless of your beliefs about God or how He works, anyone with any knowledge of depression at all knows how good Depression is at making its victim believe "this is me".
The sloth, the watching five episodes of House MD back to back, the aversion to showers, the lack of appetite yet startling ability to eat an entire sleeve of crackers slathered in cream cheese, the inability to focus coupled with boredom from hell . . . That is not me.
I'm the one who enjoys a hot shower. I love long walks and quiet reflection and reading for hours on end. I don't care much for TV. I like conversations about things that don't make a whit of difference in everyday life. I like friendly disagreements. I can sit and fill ten pages of my journal without even coming up for air, just writing about things that are on my mind at the moment.
I think too much, but I enjoy it.
So this sermon just made me take a beat to consider what I'm doing about me, about the habits I don't like, about the little pet sins I keep. And I'm afraid that, if I hadn't stopped here to write about it, I would have forgotten it entirely. I had already forgotten a lot of that conviction before I started writing.
I still can't remember what is was I wanted so badly to write about. Something . . . about . . . something. Darn. I thought it was coming to me. It was probably something about what I learned through the Great Disaster of 2009-2013. I guess it was more 2009-2012, but 2013 was the official end, even as I was beginning again. But no, nothing is coming to mind.
Ah, well. Probably wasn't worth remembering. At least, that's what my brain decided. Way to check in with me, brain.
Tomorrow is my 18 week checkup for Tiny Human. We may get to find out if it's a boy or girl. No particular wishes for either gender at this point. Not even wishing for a healthy baby, although that would be much appreciated. Too many people I know and love have had babies that aren't healthy and I would hate to think I spent nine months wishing for health and had to live with the fact that the baby I got is not the baby I wished for -- and worse, this baby would grow up to find out I didn't want him or her until I had no choice. I know, I know. Crazy, huh? Who even thinks like this? I do!
I need to get myself to bed. Strange thing lately of not being properly sleepy at bedtime. Feel a little more sleepy today, probably from my 30 minutes on the exercise machine (it's like a bike but for walking, if that makes sense . . . elliptical? is that what it's called?)
Alrighty then. Night.
9:38 pm - Tuesday, Dec. 15, 2015
Recent entries:
In Which Foundmercy Ruminates on Being A Mother - Thursday, Oct. 27, 2016
Boring entry - Friday, Mar. 18, 2016
In which Foundmercy whines for a while then gives herself a pep talk - Wednesday, Dec. 30, 2015
Too old for this, too young for that - Monday, Dec. 28, 2015
Miserable Idiot - Friday, Dec. 25, 2015
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