I wrote something and posted it on Tumblr last night. Not sure why Tumblr, but I did. It's a private post, though. I guess I do like that feature of Tumblr. I can write truly private posts, and each post requires the writer to grant individual access to it, not like LiveJournal or here where if I give you the key, you can see everything. With Tumblr, each private post has its own private url and I just give that link out and it just gives access to that post. Anyway, here is the link to that post if you want to read it on Tumblr.
I'm going to copy-paste here as well:
I missed the point big time in my first marriage.
I thought marriage was intended to make you a better person, as if I weren’t good enough on my own. This belief reinforced a destructive narrative I’d developed for myself: that I was broken, wrong, insufficient. So I chose a person who would help me continue that narrative, because anyone who dared to tell me I wasn’t messed up and in need of rescue couldn’t be trusted. They were either crazy or lying.
And if I hadn’t met someone so stubborn in showing me through just day-to-day kindness that this narrative was false, I would have continued “until death do us part”. He opened my eyes to a possibility of a new narrative, a story for my life where I was not the dutiful subservient of someone stronger or ‘better’ than me.
And if that person I met hadn’t honored me enough to leave and let me sort out these battling narratives on my own, I may have returned to believing the lie that I’m somehow deficient beyond the scope of normal human deficiency. I would have found a way to happily continue on a path of self-destruction, with or without him, but probably eventually without him.
This article crystallized these thoughts for me. Not sure how, but it did. That, and I have a feeling winters will remind me for a long time to come of the best unraveling of my life that ever happened.
8:38 am - Thursday, Dec. 10, 2015
Recent entries:
In Which Foundmercy Ruminates on Being A Mother - Thursday, Oct. 27, 2016
Boring entry - Friday, Mar. 18, 2016
In which Foundmercy whines for a while then gives herself a pep talk - Wednesday, Dec. 30, 2015
Too old for this, too young for that - Monday, Dec. 28, 2015
Miserable Idiot - Friday, Dec. 25, 2015
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